Tales from an inner city high school

new.

2008-03-29T18:49:00.002-05:00

We have a new principal.

This is the third one this year. I found out from the kids, as usual. Before first period Ashley asked me if I knew anything about it. "What? No, we aren't getting a new principal. Where did you hear that from?" She was right, of course. I found out later at the staff meeting.

Our former principal, I really liked. He really got things done and was really supportive of my program. He was a charming guy and all the kids liked him. Now that we have all gotten used to him though, he is leaving. He got hired on with the administration that is taking over next year.

"He'll be working on transitioning the students to the new school." said our new principal. An older African-American woman with greying hair and a nice smile. "In the meantime, I'll be here to help you all and I look forward to meeting all of you. We have 3 months left and I think we can make a lot of improvements in that time." Oh great, I thought, more changes.

The students usually get pretty angry during a transition like this. It was all they could talk about when we had the first change in principals this year. This time they seem almost warn out. Not apathetic, but tired. When we found out the school was closing the kids had several walk outs staged. They wrote essays in development class about how upset they were. They went to community meetings and spoke. When the board voted to close the school anyhow I think they lost hope. It's rough to put a ton of effort into something and not see results. I think they feel helpless now.

I certainly do.

killed.

2008-03-04T12:36:00.003-06:00

I found out this morning that one of our sophomore girls was killed over the weekend.

"It was over a boy." Kavra told me during first period "I can't even believe that shit." Most of the kids said something about the shooting when they walked in this morning to class, but some of them didn't know the girl or hadn't heard the news. We were told by the administration that if any kids were upset they could be sent to the office, but I guess there weren't enough people to deal with all the response. We had some teachers up there and the one social worker in the building. A lot of kids were crying and needed someone to talk to, but no one in my class.

During fourth period one of my students asked if we were doing any work. "Of course we're doing work, why wouldn't we?" I asked her. "Cause that girl died!" she said "We didn't have to do any work in my other classes!" A lot of kids had the same sentiment, but we did work anyway. "If you are upset about what happened this weekend come up and talk to me." I told them. No one did.

At the end of the day one of the girl's friends read a poem over the school intercom. I was surprised to hear my sixth period class quiet down. Afterward they applauded.

"I know she can't hear me", Matthew told me as he clapped, "but that was really nice."

closing.

2008-03-03T12:14:00.007-06:00

We found out a few weeks ago that the school would be closing for good in June.

The kids found out about it on the local news. I found out about it from them. A lot of teachers were upset. There were some representatives from the school board that met with the staff that day in the auditorium. People were shouting at them from the back of the dimly lit room. They were saying that the decision was unfair, that the kids needed us, that we didn't deserve to be treated this way. There was applause and standing ovations. There was a lot of anger.

I didn't know how to react.

All the teachers will be fired in June. I will be fired in June. I'll find something else, I know, but I can't stand the thought of leaving my students. It's really depressing to have to leave without wanting to. I've always imagined that getting fired would be sort of direct. Like an event where someone would yell at me and tell me I had to go. This seems so impersonal.

There are a lot of teachers that have been teaching at our school for 20 years or something. I look at my classroom and think about all I have invested in just 2, I can't imagine what it would be like to have to leave 20 years behind. Man. I think about the plants I was thinking about buying next year or the carpet I was hoping to get a grant for so my kids could do group work on the floor. Now it sort of all seems silly.

I think the school definitely needs change. The plan they are proposing will bring that. It will bring in a new administration, more money, more community programs, a new school name and mascot and colors. It will bring in new resources and an entire new energy behind it. But why do they need to fire all the teachers to make that change? Why do they have to fire the lunch ladies and the janitorial staff and the engineers?

Some of these teachers are burned out. That's for sure. Some of them hate their job and hate the kids. But I suspect that some of that has to do with dealing with years and years of the lack of the same things they are promising to bring once we're all gone.

I started out this school year with too little books and too little desks for all my students. In the freshmen gym class there were 65 kids enrolled to one teacher. And now they are telling us, the people that have been making it through this whole time, that we have to leave so they can make the place better?

It's going to be a hard year.

grades.

2008-01-23T21:47:00.000-06:00

It's the same every semester. The kids crowd around my computer wanting to know what their final grades will be. "What am I missing!" "How I get an F!" "Why you can't just give me a D!".

Then in the following days, a flurry of makeup work, a chorus of pleads, a general angry disposition.

I tell myself every quarter that I will do things differently the next time. I won't let them turn things in late. I won't except work past a week before grades go in. I won't spend time after school helping kids with late projects.

I haven't changed. I just don't want them to fail!

review.

2008-01-15T23:54:00.000-06:00

It's finals week.

I hate giving finals. I wouldn't ever give written tests if I didn't have to. They make the kids nervous, and for my class, aren't a very good indicator of how much they know. We have to turn in copies of the exams we give to the administration and this year I took a risk and wrote up a description of a demonstration test I would give the kids, instead of a written one.

My Level 2 class has done a lot of work with the camera this year and their exam would reflect that. I brought all the cameras and tripods into the classroom today for a review. A lot of kids had totally forgotten the information we covered a few weeks ago and needed a lot of help remembering. Some kids never learned it. Anthony Palmer is one of those kids.

Anthony came up to one of the cameras a few minutes before class was over. He had spent most of his class time bothering some of the girls and dancing in the aisles. "Okay, so how you do this shit?" he called to me. I was across the room helping another student. "What part?" I asked him. "I don't know!" he said, "All this shit about the cameras!" I didn't want to help him with it. Anthony was a constant disruption and demanded help and attention at all times. I didn't want to cater to his demands. I wanted to let him fail so that I could teach him a lesson.

I went over to him.

I showed him all the things he would need to know for the exam. He asked a lot of questions and maybe, for the first time, spoke to me in a decent manner. Almost with respect. When I felt like he understood the material, I left him to help another kid and he continued to practice. A while later I heard his voice again, loud across the room.

"Eeeeee!" he squealed proudly, "I'm a be a cameraman, boy! I'm a be a cameraman when I grow up."

apology.

2008-01-15T00:35:00.000-06:00

I got a call from Latrell yesterday. He called to say he was sorry for pushing me. "I apologize." he said. He said it a few times.

"What happened?" I asked him. "Man," he said, "that fight was over an extension cord!" almost chuckling at the silliness of it all. "But you got so angry." I said.

"I know." he said, "I apologize."

I talked to Latrell about how scared I was when he pushed me and how that made me feel. I talked to him about how I was really worried about how angry he got. "That could have been anyone that you pushed." I told him, "What if that was your child? What if a small child got in your way while you were upset? You could send someone to the hospital like that." he apologized again. We talked a little more about him taking his final. He was suspended for ten days for the incident. I told him we could work something out.

Today his mom came up to the school. She interrupted my sixth period class and I went into the hallway with her to talk. "I just wanted to apologize for Latrell." she said, "he's not a bad child." I told her I knew that he wasn't. We talked a little about the anger issue. I said the same things to her that I had said to Latrell. She said she was worried too. She started crying.

"Thank you." she said, "Thank you for caring so much about my son."

She gave me a hug and I went back to my class.

battery.

2008-01-10T20:54:00.001-06:00

I didn't know what the difference between assault and battery was until Latrell pushed me today.

When the principal told me that Latrell got charged with battery I had to ask him what that meant. He sort of raised his eyebrows at me and said "battery is when you push a teacher into a wall."

Latrell is a good kid. This is my second year teaching him. He's on the football team and he's really a gentle and sweet boy. His girlfriend is in the same period as him and they sometimes hold hands under the desks. Last year Latrell had a sort of joke in my class where he would call himself the best 'something' in America. "Don't worry about my homework," he would say, "I'm the best homework doer in America."

Today we were watching a movie in class and Travaris Martin walked up to Latrell and said something to him. I'm not sure what. It was at sort of a low volume and I might not have even noticed if I wasn't watching. All of a sudden they both stood up and I knew that meant they were about to threaten each other and eventually fight. I watched them for a few moments before I made a move hoping that it would diffuse on its own. I glanced at the computers near them and worried that they might topple one over and break it. I got up and turned on the lights in the classroom.

"Let's go, boys" I said and opened the door. They ignored me and kept sort of puffing out there chests the way that boys do when they want to be strong. I walked over to them. Latrell walked out of the room backwards while spewing threatening words toward Travaris. I walked him toward the door and Travaris followed. I grabbed my keys and told the class I would be right back and closed the door behind me.

In the hallway it was just me and the two boys. They started coming toward each other again and I got in between the two of them. They were coming toward each other harder and I was squished in between their bodies. Things started moving faster. Before I knew it the rest of the class had come outside and were yelling things at the boys. I was shouting at them to stop and getting sort of tossed around in between them. Latrell didn't look at me once, but I kept looking into his eyes "Latrell, stop. Latrell, stop." He finally spoke to me, but was still looking past me, "Get the fuck out of my way, girl!" he said and shoved me against the wall.

When security came the guards grabbed both boys and took them away to the detention room. "What do you want to do?" the guard asked me. "What do you mean?" I asked. "You want to press charges, right?" he said.

I didn't say anything.

Three hours later I did. I cried a lot first. Not because I got pushed. It didn't hurt. I cried because I didn't want to send Latrell to jail. I didn't want to send another black kid from my school to jail. I didn't want to put him in an environment that can only make him worse. But I had to.

I had to set the precedent that says "if you touch a teacher, you're out."

I had to.

shelter

2007-10-31T17:24:00.000-05:00

We have one White kid that goes to our school.

Heather is a senior and a really nice girl. I didn't have her last year, but this year she is in my first period. She fits right in with the other kids and she doesn't seem to feel weird or out of place. I really like her.

Today I saw Heather in another teacher's room at around 4pm. All the other kids had gone home and most of the teachers too. "What are you doing here?" I asked her. She shrugged. "Do you need a ride?" I asked. "I can't really go home yet" she told me. "I can't get in until my mom gets home." "You don't have a key?" I asked. "Why don't you have a key?" "The place I live won't let me in until my mom gets there." she said.

I looked at her stupidly.

"I live in a shelter." she told me. "Oh." I said.

I saw Heather standing at the bus stop as I was driving out of the parking lot. I pulled up next to her. "You want a ride to the train?" I asked her. She nodded. It was only a five minute drive, but I found out a lot about her. She came from Michigan with her mom and her little brother. She left because of domestic abuse. Now all three of them live in a shelter. They are trying to save some money so they can live in what Heather called a 'second stage shelter' "which is really like an apartment." she told me.

I dropped her off at the train and told her I would see her in the morning. I started to think of all the ways I could possibly help her. I had an urge to go to the shelter with her and see what it was like. I wondered if it was safe. I wondered if she ever got stopped for being a young White girl walking through a Black neighborhood. I wondered if she could get into a decent college and get away from all of it. I wondered if she wanted to.

And then I drove home.

raped.

2007-10-22T22:29:00.000-05:00

I had a blow-up at the beginning of 4th period. Latoya Jackson was exchanging money with a boy in the back row and I told them to stop. They aren't allowed to pull money out like that that at school. It could have been for drugs or sex or anything. Latoya said it was for a candy bar and I believed her, but I told her to stop anyway.

"You shouldn't be back there, Latoya. Sit down at your desk and get started on your work." She ignored me. I asked her again. Then she yelled back. "You must think I'm like one of these kids. Why you tweakin! I aint just one of these kids, you can't treat me like that!" I asked her to come into the hallway and she refused. She walked toward her desk and I put my hand on her back to sort of guide her out "Don't touch me, lady! Get your hands off of me before I have to check you!" I didn't know what "check"ing me would entail but I bet it involves some sort of assault.

When I finally got her out of the room she was arguing and wouldn't listen. "Don't stand over there," I said. She was on the other side of the hallway and was yelling at me so I could hear her. "Come over here so we can talk." "I don't want to talk to you anyway, you should come over to me!"

I had one hand on the doorknob to my classroom so that if I heard anything I could look inside. 4th period was my worst class and I didn't like to leave them unsupervised.

Tamieka came up to the door from inside the room and I told her to go away "Can't you see I'm busy!" I told her. My emotions were high and my face red. Latoya was frustrating me and our conversation was getting no where. "But I need to go to the bathroom" Tamieka said.

I closed the door on her.

Finally I sent Latoya to the dean and came back inside. Tamieka came up to me again and I noticed she was limping. "What's wrong with your foot?" I asked her. "Nothings wrong with my foot" she said "can I go to the bathroom now." I told her to write out a pass and I would sign it. She limped out toward the door.

When Tamieka came back I asked her again what was wrong with her foot. "Nothing is wrong with my foot" she said, exhausted. "Then why are you limping?" I asked. She told me she couldn't tell me, but I kept pressing her. "Ugh!" she said "I was raped, okay?" and started to walk away.

I asked her to come back and I asked her if she had told anyone. "I don't want everyone to know my business" she told me. "My mother is taking care of everything." she said. I asked her to go see the nurse or to go talk to the social worker. She wouldn't. "It has nothing to do with them." she said and went back to her seat. I told her I would speak to her more after class. I didn't want everyone to hear what we were saying and I, honestly, didn't know how to respond to it anyway. I was really worried about her. Tamieka is a sweet girl and I felt terrible.

But she never came up to talk to me and I ushered everyone out of the class when the bell rang. "It's time for lunch!" I told them.

I forgot about Tamieka.

quit.

2007-10-21T00:19:00.001-05:00

My assistant quit. He had only been there for a week. He said he couldn't handle the kids.

There were other factors, of course, the pay is incredibly low for an assistant position and there isn't much gratification, I don't think. But what made him quit was the kids.

I was out on Tuesday and I had my assistant in the classroom with the sub. He was supposed to give the kids their assignment for the day. They knew him, and he knew what was going on so it was a much better situation than them just being alone with a substitute.

Well, the kids behaved like jerks. Not extraordinarily so. No one threatened his life. No one swore at him. But they were mean. They mocked him and would repeat everything he said in sort of a high, comical voice. He told me this later, and the kids admitted to doing it. They were listening to music too, and wouldn't turn it off when he asked them to. "No matter how loud I yelled, they wouldn't stop." but I could have told him that.

In fact, I did tell him that. The day before he admitted to me how impressed he was with my patience. "I can't believe you can deal with them like that." he said, referring to my 6th period class "If I were you I would go drill sergeant on 'em." It sounded like a compliment, but I suspect it was really a critique and maybe a suggestion. I tried to explain to him that that method wouldn't work on these kids. "They don't really respond well to that." I told him "and I couldn't even pull it off if I tried. I just try and let them know that I care about them and that seems to work the best." But I guess he went with his method on the day that I was out.

"He just kept yelling at us" Delisa said the next morning when I asked the class what had happened. "Yeah, and he wasn't even listening to us!" said Traver. They giggled when I told them he had quit. I know what they were thinking. About how weak he was, about how they hadn't even tried their hardest and they had already gotten rid of him, about how easy it was. But I think they were also sad. They didn't have any attachment to this guy necessarily, they had only known him for a week, but I think they felt abandoned.

Part of the security in being a kid is that you know that no matter how terrible you are, someone is always going to be there to love you. No matter how many detentions you get or how many times you scream "I hate you!" at your parents, they are still going to be your parents. But that isn't the truth for many of these kids. Hardly any of them have a father that participates in their lives and only a few know who their father is. Some of them are in foster care and a lot of them live with relatives instead of their parents. Plus the turnover rate for teachers is so high that they are very aware that people don't want to teach them. I think it hurt them that this guy quit after they had misbehaved.

It hurt me a little bit too.

administration.

2007-10-15T17:05:00.000-05:00

We have a new principal.

About three weeks ago our principal resigned. No one really knows why. A lot of teachers say that she was forced to resign because of mismanagement of funds, but no one actually told us anything.

We have a new principal now. He says he's zero tolerance. He says that heads are gonna roll. He told us that the staff is going to change and that teachers might be replaced. A lot of teachers are upset, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm excited about the prospect of change. The school is in such bad shape and I'm looking forward to someone putting some effort into it. I don't want to lose my job though. My classes are crazy and its hard to get them to produce good work. It makes me nervous about my position and I've never had to be nervous before.

I don't know. Maybe that's a good thing.

write.

2007-10-01T21:10:00.000-05:00

Here are some writing samples from my students' essay on the racial factors in the Amos 'n' Andy Show. They are written exactly how the students wrote them:

"What my circumstantial about what is going on is that I don't feel rigth at all knowing that I can't move on with another day with whites treating blacks this way. I just can't walk up and down the streets with Whites, Mexican, Puritan Ricans saying some thing to me and threading to hurt me if I don't talk to them. It's scary to me cause now I pick my little brother up from school and I don't believe it's self for him to be walking with me and being stopped by some body that we don't know. But one day I hope that it will change and people will jus get along. My little brother is afraid to go to school every day cause of what the whites will do or say to him."

"I DIDN'T LIKE THE FACT THAT WHEN THERE WHERE ACTING, THEY WERE ALSO PUTTING BLACK PEOPLE DOWN. WHEN THERE IS RACE IN THE WORLD KNOW BODY SHOULD PUT ANYBODY DOWN, EVERYBODY SHOULD JUST GET ALONE."

"My feelings on the Amos and Andy Show is that I really like the show because it is very funny and interesting to listen to. I really didn't care if Amos and Andy was acting like black people because it was very funny to me. Even though black listeners were offended by it they were going through racism back then and now were not being judge by our color so that's way were not offended by that but I know if we were raised back in the day I know that it would be a big problem"

"It was parts when Amos 's' Andy would say and do dumb stuff, but that don't mean the characters in the show were being portrayed as being lazy and stupid.. I just think that they did it for the money. Because that's what business is about money Its all about the all might dollar. I mean that's how the world go around, from back then until this day. People are still going to make money the way the you can it don't matter if your black or white or some other race."

dyslexia.

2007-09-21T21:14:00.000-05:00

Shonique has dyslexia. I found out last week. I finally went in to the special ed director’s office and got to the bottom of it.

I was so happy to find out.

I knew Shonique had a learning disability, I just didn’t know what it was. All the kids with disabilities have what is called an IEP, which stands for Individualized Educational Plan. Lots of kids have them and so does Shonique, but we don’t get copies of these plans, which are sometimes 40 or 50 pages long, we just are informed (sometimes) that they have one. Sometimes we’ll even get required accommodations to use with the kid like “should sit close to the teacher’s desk” or “should be given extra time on assignments”. But these are so very generic and don’t specify what condition the child has. Plus when you have 15 special ed kids in your class how can they all sit next to the teacher’s desk?

So I went to find out what Shonique’s disability was. I walked into the director’s office and asked her if I was privy to that information (sometimes as a teacher, you aren’t). She pulled out a huge drawer of files upon files. In fact an entire wall was filled with these long filing cabinets. There were files with computer printed labels and some done with marker, some, you could tell, had been labled and re-labled several times. They were thick.

Finally she found the file she was looking for and opened it on her desk. There was a photocopied paper that told her Shonique’s IQ and her accommodations, but not her specific disability. When she looked further in the file she realized it wasn’t Shonique’s at all, but another boy in the school. Somehow some of Shonique’s documents got into his file. “Oops” she said “I’ll need to correct that” and she did. I wondered how many other things were going missing.

When she found Shonique’s file she was missing her assessment from 2006, but did find the one done in 2003. “She was 11” she told me. On that report it said that Shonique had “language based reading disabilities”. “That’s a broad term” the director told me “but it basically means dyslexia, which is another broad term.” I nodded. “So what is it specifically?” I asked her. She didn’t know.

But it gave me a start. Finally I can try and get her some help.

group.

2007-09-14T07:02:00.000-05:00

I have the kids pick groups like kickball teams.

I started doing this last year because it makes sure everyone is in a group and the kids are always fairly pleased with the results. It's always turned out better this way than if I pick the groups or if I just let them pick. I ask for volunteers to be captains and then the captains take turns choosing team members.

Yesterday Tanisha picked Denzel to be on her team before Travis could. This was a big issue because Travis' group had ALL of Denzel's friends on it. All the troublemakers in one group pretty much. I was worried about that, but it actually turned out alright.

Denzel was mad though. He kept wandering into the hallway where Travis' group was working. "Stay with your group, Denzel." I kept warning him. "Man, I don't want this group. I can't work with this group." "Yes you can" I told him.

Denzel is on the football team. He is really good. This year he is elligible for a big scholarship that I know he desperately wants. I reminded him of that. I also reminded him that I am pretty tight with his coach. "You don't want Coach Jackson to know that you are refusing to participate in class." I said. I wasn't trying to be threatening so much as I wanted to remind him of his focus. "Man, I dont care." He told me.

But I know he did.

I know he cared about playing football the most and we both knew he had a good shot at that scholarship. And I also knew that being in a group besides the one filled with his buddies was going to be better for him anyway. And eventually he went back into the classroom. He just sat at a desk for a while. Then next time I checked he was standing up with his group and working.

I was so proud of him.

girls.

2007-09-12T22:40:00.000-05:00

I have a sort of social experiment going on in my 5th period class.

There are all girls. Well, there are two boys, but they are really shy and don't talk very much and the girls dominate. This is my favorite class. There is a sort of calm about it that isn't present in any of my other classes. A sort of quiet stillness. And that isn't because its quiet. The girls are social for sure, but they are just a calmer bunch.

The same assignment I gave that caused complete chaos in my 4th period class yesterday was a complete success in 5th period. In 4th period a fight broke out and another kid got written up by the football coach passing by. Today my girls were completely and utterly on task. They were working in groups and doing it so well. They were sharing responsibilities, working together to finish the project and teaching each other.

It was like a dream come true. It was as though I was teaching at a completely different school. It was an oasis.

Today when LaParis was leaving she told me she hoped that no one else enrolled in our class. "I like this class." she told me.

"Me too" I said.

pennies.

2007-09-12T22:23:00.000-05:00

"Oh I aint coming on Friday." Sarah told me.

Sarah is a Freshman. I've never taught Freshmen before, but this year I have a Freshman homeroom. I was unsure of what to expect from them. I didn't know if they would be scared and intimidated by high school or if they would still be cocky from 8th grade. I got a mixture of both.

"Why aren't you coming on Friday?" I asked. "I'm not coming neither" said another girl, Shavonda. "It's Freshman Penny Day on Friday." "Freshman Penny Day? What is that?" I asked. "It's where all the kids throw pennies at the Freshman after school." said Dewon.

I told my homeroom that that wouldn't actually happen. I had never heard of it and I figured it was one of those rumors that upperclassmen start to scare the new meat.

I was wrong, of course.

On Friday, I first noticed it in 4th period. Anthony Palmer came in roudy as ever. Since he got shot this Summer he has a reputation to hold on to. He still has the bandages on his throat and a newfound respect amongst the other boys in the school. During class I started hearing change hit the ground. Then later it was flying across the room. Anthony was throwing, not only pennies, but nickels and quarters as well.

The Freshmen were in trouble.

back.

2007-08-31T00:37:00.000-05:00

The teachers are back in the building after a Summer away. Everyone is in their classrooms putting up their bulletin boards and moving desks around. Trying to get ready for the kids.

Today Ms. Koler came in to my room. I hadn't seen her since June. "Hey! How's it going!" I asked her. "Did you hear about Anthony Palmer?" she asked. "No. Sophomore Anthony?" I asked "Got shot in the neck by a cop." She said. "Oh my god!" I exclaimed. "What happened?" "That little fucker was selling drugs!" she explained "He was running from the cops and emptying out crack from his pockets. And the worst thing is that in the paper Anthony's dad was saying what a good kid he was. Bullshit! That kid was a piece of shit. Did you hear about Anthony Townie?" She asked. "No" I said. "He went to prison for killing a three year old. Said she wouldn't stop crying so he beat her with a broom." "Jesus" I said "Was that Freshman Anthony?" I asked. "Yeah, must be something about the name Anthony."

"Anyway," she told me "welcome back"

graduation.

2007-06-16T00:22:00.000-05:00

I called out their names today.

One by one I called them out. I could hardly contain myself. I was smiling so big it hurt my face and I was forever on the verge of tears. I have never seen the kids so positive before. All the kids were grinning. Even the ones that, during the year, had a permanent stain of anger on their faces. I have never felt anything like it.

The parents were just as excited and weren't afraid to show it. They were audibly uninterested in what the keynote speaker was saying. They clapped when he was finished, not for him, but because the end of his speech had come. They couldn't stand the wait.

When the students stood up the auditorium erupted. The family members were up on their feet screaming and crying and yelling out their student's name. You could hardly hear the names being called.

The energy in the air was tangible.

When it was over, one of my students came up to me and gave me a hug. A real hug. A hug that meant more than just a hug. While we embraced she whispered in my ear "I am so scared." and then she started to cry.

And then I started to cry. And I held her. "If you ever need anything," I told her "just call me, okay? I will help you." She nodded and tears streamed down our faces. I was scared for her too. What would she do? She had a baby and she got fired from McDonalds. Her aunt wasn't supportive and she doesn't know where her mother is. What would happen to her? Who would call her in the morning and tell her it was time to go to school? Not me. I couldn't do it anymore. She was on her own.

I cried harder.

finals.

2007-06-11T20:43:00.000-05:00

I had extraordinarily good attendance on finals day.

Students that had not been to school in months were in my class at 8am sharp for their exam. It wouldn't have made a difference, I wanted to tell them, if they got a perfect score, they would still fail the course. But I didn't say anything.

There was a certain respect in the classroom on finals day. Not for me, necessarily, but for each other. For school. The exam wasn't difficult, really, but for those that hadn't been to school it was impossible. No one gave up, though. Normally there are students that don't make a mark on a test, or students that just fill in circles without thinking. On finals day they all tried, desperately, to do well. It was a peek into what it might be like to teach in a more competitive school.

I still failed a lot of kids at the end of it all. It was a little sad. A lot of kids that hadn't done anything all year tried really hard for the last few weeks. But I couldn't pass them. They just didn't cut it, when it came down to it. They'll have to take the course again next year. A lot of the kids came up to me after school the last day and asked what they ended up getting. Aaron came to me after last period. "Did you finish the grades?" he asked. "Yup" I told him. "What did I get?" he asked. "You didn't make it, Aaron. I'm sorry. You got a 37%" "Even with that last project!" he exclaimed. "Sorry" I told him "You just missed so many other assignments."

"That's okay." he shrugged "I didn't really try that hard, I guess."

prom.

2007-06-10T22:04:00.000-05:00

As one of the Senior homeroom teachers I had to go to prom as a chaperone. I have never seen anything like it.

I knew that the outfits were going to be outrageous. I had seen some sketches that the girls had made of what their dresses were going to look like. No one buys their dresses from the store or anything like that. All the outfits are specially made for the kids and the tuxes match the dresses almost comically.

I was impressed. They looked great. Not like the kids did at my prom, but great. Totally decked out. I was talking to another teacher about it and she told that she suspected this was the most dressed up they might ever get. "Most of them don't ever have weddings or anything like that." she said "This is pretty much their biggest event".

It went well, I thought. The kids had a great time. A couple kids came drunk and high, but did so relatively undetected. No one caused any trouble.

Toward the end of the night I went out near the dance floor and was talking to a student. Out of the corner of my eye I saw what looked to be money flying through the air. Bills were spinning in perfect spirals and slowly falling down to the dance floor. The kids started screaming and picking up the cash. Next to me, Lassandra got down on her hands and knees to try and pick them up. "They're only one's" I told her, trying to make sense of what was happening. "No they aren't. I got a twenty!" She held it up for me to see. "It's fake." I said. But it was too late, she was on the floor again trying to find more. Kids all around me were holding up bills and screaming. Some had hundred's. Hundred dollar bills.

They weren't fake.

"They do this every year!" Mr. Grays shouted to me over the music. "Really?" I shouted back "Why?" "To show how much money they have, I think!" he said, coming closer to me. "No one stops them?" I asked.

"How could we?" he said.

walk.

2007-06-04T16:20:00.000-05:00

The principal made an announcement this year to the senior class. "We aren't going to have any pity walks" she told them "if you don't have the credits you need, you will not be walking in the graduation ceremony"

The kids knew she was making that up and so did I. Everybody that makes it to the end walks, whether they have earned it or not. Under the board of education it's mandated that students that have any kind of disability (physical, mental, behavioral, educational) that they have a right to participate in a graduation ceremony. Since our school population is forty percent special education it's likely that most students will be able to use that right.

So Angel Thompson will walk. Angel who has 4 credits below the requirement and that missed 4 weeks of school this year for no given reason. Angel Thompson will walk.

And is that bad? Is it wrong that she be able to do so? Is it a slap in the face to the kids that actually made it, that will have met all the standards required to graduate.

I don't know.

I guess I feel like its an accomplishment in itself that Angel got this far. Even if she didn't get the amount of credits she needed she was one of the 25% of her freshman class to stay all four years. So should she be able to walk for that? Should she be able to get her picture taken with her mother with her cap and gown on? Should she be able to scream and yell along with her classmates when they throw their hats up in the air?

I wouldn't want to make that decision.

push.

2007-05-29T23:22:00.001-05:00

Today the mothers went on a field trip with their babies.

The school strongly encourages all teachers to allow students with children to attend field trips with their babies. I always let kids go on field trips, whether they have babies or not, but some of my kids like LaParis seem to always be on one trip or another.

Today the babies and mothers went to the zoo. As I was leaving the building after school was out I saw them returning from their trip. All sorts of bored looking teenaged girls with babies in tow. Some of the moms had little baby backpacks that they were carting their babies in. Some had strollers. LaParis had a baby carrier that she was pushing along the floor with her foot. A security guard was yelling at her. "Pick that baby up!" she said "he's liable to fall right out like that!" LaParis laughed and kept kicking the carrier along.

"I'm tired!" she screamed in response.

lead.

2007-05-26T00:06:00.000-05:00

I just assigned my students their final project in my class for the year. It's a group project.

All year I have struggled with group projects. I have experimented with different ways on how to form groups. I have tried choosing the groups for the students. I have tried letting them pick their own groups. I have even tried giving them flexible groups where they can change groups if they want. All of those methods worked fine. But today I tried something new.

For this last project I asked for volunteers to be captains. "The captain of the group" I explained to the class "should be someone responsible, someone who is here everyday, someone who can lead the rest of the group." Before I could finish with the description there were hands waiving in the air and shouts of "me, me!" coming up from the back of the room.

I couldn't believe the enthusiasm. This was coming from a group of students that asked for extra credit if I wanted them to something as simple as read aloud in class. They were desperate to be leaders!

I was elated.

I had the class narrow the volunteers down to three and brought them to the front of the room to choose groups. They picked the members of their team like the gym class does for kickball games. One captain chooses a member, then the next one, then the next one and repeat. It was great. There wasn't any complaining or fighting. They broke up in to groups and worked on their project with the most ease I had seen all year.

In all of my classes I was surprised to see who volunteered to be a captain. In my last period, Darius Newcom showed an interest. "You want to be a captain, Darius?" I asked him. He came up to the front of the room.

Darius has been half-involved all year. He often sleeps instead of doing his work and always snores loud enough to make the whole class erupt in laughter. I have never seen him show much interest in anything, but that changed today. He picked his group-mates and they went off to a corner of the classroom. I heard Darius delegating responsibilities and really encouraging his team members to work. I had never seen him so serious and so engaged before. Before he left the room he stopped by my desk.

"Are you proud of me?" he asked, smiling. "Yes" I told him.

indent.

2007-05-22T18:15:00.000-05:00

I am having my sophomores write essays for the first time this year on a movie we recently watched in class. For the past couple days in class I have given them time in the computer lab to type up their paper.

Watching them write is depressing.

No student is up to grade level as far as writing and very few are writing clear, thoughtful essays. There is a plethora of run on sentences and off topic paragraphs. The essay prompt was not a personal one and I have an overwhelming amount of students writing things like "Hello. My name is Chatara Smith and I am 16 years old. I am going to write this essay about...".

Not being a writing teacher, I am having a very hard time explaining why they shouldn't be doing things like that in an essay. In fact, I am becoming extraordinarily frustrated with the entire writing process. I was talking to another teacher about my class' assignment. "They don't know how to copy and paste," I told her "they don't know how to double-space. They don't know how to change their font size or save their paper to the desktop. Most of all, they don't know how to write!" She nodded sympathetically. "I know," she said "that's why I don't give writing assignments anymore."

The hardest part about dealing with these kids is their utter impatience. There are no raised hands in the computer lab. Only shouts of "fuck this paper!" and "How do you fix this!!".

Today Jasmine printed out her paper and turned it in before its' Thursday due date. "That's great that you are finished!" I told her. "Do you want me to proofread it?" I asked. "No." She said "I just want to turn it in. "Well you might get a better grade on it if look it over for you. For instance, I can tell you right now that you need to indent your paragraphs." She looked at me quizzically. "You didn't say we had to do that. What do that mean?" "Well you always have to indent paragraphs when you write a paper." She looked at me again.

"Does anyone know what it means to indent a paragraph?" I asked the class. No one raised their hand. No one shouted out anything, except for Arnold in the back that asked if it was a requirement. "You guys know what indenting is." I told them "It's, you know, when you tab over at the beginning of a paragraph." George took his headphones out of his ears. "Why do you have to do that?" He said.

I didn't know.

"To separate the paragraph structure." I said "To break your paper up." Some of the kids were looking at me now and I started to write on the board. I showed them how to indent on the board, but I wasn't sure how many spaces they had to make. "Just press the tab key at the beginning of each paragraph" I told them. "You shouldn't grade us on that" said Bernice "cause you didn't tell us before" "Yeah" said Jeremy "are you going to grade us on that?"

I thought about it.

"Yes."

rotten.

2007-05-18T13:43:00.000-05:00

Jeffrey walked into my classroom after school today, holding his jaw.

"Do you have any orajel?" he asked me. I asked him what that was. "You know, the stuff you put in your mouth if you got sores or something." he explained. "No, I don't have any of that stuff. What's the matter? You got a cancor sore or something?" He opened his mouth and pointed to a tooth in the back. It was black.

"Oh my god, Jeffrey. What is that?" He told me it was his black tooth. "I chewed through it." he said. "You can't just chew through a tooth!" I told him "That tooth is rotten!"

"I know." he said

apology.

2007-05-15T23:06:00.000-05:00

It isn't often that one has to accept apologies. Real apologies.

In the beginning of the year Jerrel Hogan and I had it out. Almost everyday there was an incident. Jerrel would throw a book across the room. I'd send him out. Jerrel would hit another student. I'd send him out. Jerrel would spill juice all over the computer keyboard and refuse to clean it up.

I'd send him out.

It was around that time that I discovered the Mandatory Parent Conference. An MPC is an amazing weapon in this school. If you give a student an MPC it means that they cannot come back into your room without a parent. It's almost always a win-win situation. If the kid never comes with a parent, they never come back in your room. If a kid does come with a parent then you get to (hopefully) find a way to change the behavior. I gave Jerrel an MPC.

Jerrel's mother never came in, but his Aunt did the very next day. She was a well spoken, well dressed woman with a genuine face. She came to my classroom door during my lunch with Jerrel in tow. She introduced herself. She told me that Jerrel's mother couldn't make it and that she hoped that I would accept her in his mother's place. "We have problems with the men in our family" she explained "but we are working on it with this one" she nodded in Jerrel's direction. He stood next to her leaning against the wall and looking at the ground. She told him to stand up straight. "Look at your teacher." He did for a moment and looked away. "I know this is hard for you, son, but you need to apologize for what you did." Jerrel started to tremble.

"Sorry" mumbled Jerrel and looked down. He was shaking. I had never seen him so weak. It suddenly occurred to me how young he was. Only fifteen and I had been fighting him like a grown man.

I was embarrassed.

"Look your teacher in the eyes" said Jerrel's aunt. "You are a strong person, Jerrel. It takes strength to really apologize to someone. That's why it hurts so bad. But you are strong and I want you to act like a man and look into this woman's eyes and apologize for what you did"

Jerrel looked at me, still shaking, his voice trembling. "I apologize for acting foolish in your class" he said "I am going to change the way I have been acting". He relaxed a bit and his Aunt looked at me. I hadn't thought of a response to his apology. I felt drained. I was so proud of Jerrel for apologizing to me. It was such a gesture that I didn't feel deserving. I felt like a child and I felt my body trembling just like his. I finally mustered up something.

"Thank you for apologizing, Jerrel" I said, as adult as possible. Then I paused. I admitted something to him. "I think I have been prejudice toward you." I told him "Because of your bad behavior in the past, I have started every class anticipating your bad behavior to repeat. I haven't given you any slack or ever given you the benefit of the doubt. I'm sorry for that. I'm going to start over with you. Okay?" Jerrel nodded, not looking at me. His aunt nodded too. She shook my hand and thanked me.

I thanked her too.

paper.

2007-05-10T11:01:00.000-05:00

While I was taking attendance today during sixth period I looked up from my desk to see LaParis walking purposefully across the room with a chair raised over her head. She was following Aaron.

Before I knew it she started to hit him with the chair. "Ow! Damn bitch! Ow!" yelped Aaron. I screamed. "LaParis, put the chair down!", but she ignored me. She kept hitting him on the head with the legs of the chair. As I got up and ran over to them, Aaron managed to get away. "LaParis, out!" I yelled and she put the chair down. There was a lot of noise. Aaron was yelling about injustice and the other students were laughing and screaming. LaParis was yelling too. "You always got to say something to me when I do something, but he do something and you never say nothing to him!" "What are you talking about?" I said "What did he do?"

"He threw a paper ball at me!"

baseball.

2007-05-03T22:13:00.000-05:00

There is a sophomore in my last period class that I can hardly stand.

His name is Eric. He is a terror. The difference in the classroom between when he is there and when he is away is incredible. Eric is the kind of kid that can walk in to a relatively calm classroom and in ten minutes have all the kids screaming and jumping on top of desks. He has constant energy and it always seems to be charged in to something negative. Sometimes I will think "wow, why is this class being so good today?" and then realize that it is because Eric isn't there.

Today Eric and I got in to it. I asked him to come to the computer lab. He said no. I asked him again and he jumped in my face and screamed "NO!". I put my hand on his back to guide him out the door and he knocked my hand away. "Don't touch me!" he said "I'm not your child." I felt weak. I sent him out of the room. "Get out, Eric." I said "What'd I do? I didn't do nothing!" He yelled. I didn't know what to say. What did he do? I guess I didn't really know. He was disrespecting me. Was it enough to kick him out? I didn't know, but I didn't feel strong enough to do anything else.

"Man I don't care if you do kick me out. I'm about to go to my baseball game anyway" Eric said. "Well you aren't going to be on the team for long if you keep behaving like this and failing classes" I told him. "On my momma I will" He said "They won't never kick me off of that team"

I couldn't argue with him. When baseball season started the coach told me they had to get a bunch of forms signed from the board of education stating that students with failing grades could still play on the team. "We have so many kids failing at this school" the coach said "I don't know what we'd do if they couldn't play"

After school today I spoke with the coach. I told him what Eric said and I told him about his behavior in my class. "Would you kick him out if you had to?" I asked him. "Oh yeah," he said "I already took Deonte off the team for grades and for discipline problems. I can take Eric off too" "Is he any good?" I asked. "He's my best player" he said.

The coach told me to tell him if anything else happened. He said he would talk to Eric and tell him that if this keeps up he'll be off the team. I was scared all of a sudden. Maybe taking Eric off the team isn't a good solution. Where else would he go after school? On the streets? He wouldn't feel good about himself, that's for sure. He probably wouldn't be inspired to do better. He would just be angry. He might get worse. But is it better to let him stay on? With failing grades and a bad attitude?

I don't know.

middle.

2007-05-02T06:53:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I let Shonique fill out a job application online in my room. She needed a lot of help with the application because of her low reading skills.

"What do I need to put here?" She asked me. "Well, what do you think?" I said, trying to encourage her to use context clues. Shonique answered me without re-reading the words "my middle name." she said, "but can I just write my middle initial?" "Well it's a big blank space" I answered "and it does say 'middle name' so I think you ought to write the whole thing out." I started to walk away.

"Well, do you know how to spell it?" She asked. "Spell what?" I answered. "My middle name?".

I didn't, but I did my best. Shonique confided in me that she had only been putting her middle initial for as long as she can remember. "I gotta learn how to spell that." she said.

"You sure do" I responded.

gum.

2007-04-24T21:00:00.000-05:00

Today there was a substitute in the teacher's classroom next door to me.

I heard a lot of noise during the day through the wall between the two rooms. During eighth period it got so loud that I couldn't hear my students reading from the book.

I went next door.

The students from the room 114 were running out of the room and there were screams and laughter coming from within. When I walked in the trashcan had been turned over and trash was all over the floor. There were desks on their side and and chairs wrongside up.

The substitute was crying. "They threw gum in my hair." she told me. "Will you get someone?" she asked. "Will you help?" There were a couple of girls around her trying to pick things up and one was trying to get the gum out. On the left side of the woman's long blond hair there was bright blue piece of gum. "Who did that to her?" I asked one of the students. She shrugged.

"I have a class right now" I told the substitute "but I'll find somebody." I ran to the security guard by the front of the school, leaving my class unattended. "Will you come to room 114?" I asked "there are desks turned over and the kids have run out. They threw gum in the sub's hair." He looked up from the computer. "I can't leave the desk." He said.

"Well can you call someone?" I asked "I have a class right now." "I'll try," he said "but I think Shanita is on lunch." I ran back to the room, where my kids sat in the same spot that I had left them. "Be good!" I yelled into my classroom and ran to the sub. "I'm sorry" I told her "Someone will come soon." She sniffled and nodded.

I went back to class.

report.

2007-04-23T17:37:00.000-05:00

On Thursday parents were supposed to come to the school and pick up their children's report cards.

Out of an approximate 120 students only 13 parents came to see me. All the teachers were at different tables in the lunchroom and parents could go from one to the other to talk about their child's grade. I have a 90% failure rate in my classes right now so I came prepared. I brought all the grades they had all quarter and all the projects they were supposed to have done.

Most parents that came had students with good grades or at least nice kids. A lot parents knew what to expect already and weren't surprised by the A's or the F's. Some parents were surprised and didn't take it so well.

I had a mother come and yell at me about her daughter's F in my first period class. "Why am I just finding out about this now!" she screamed. I didn't know what to say. "Why haven't you called me!" she asked me. "I have so many students failing." I told her "It would be impossible for me to call all the parents. Why don't I give you my cell phone number, now, so that you can call me?" I suggested. She didn't like this option. "I don't need to call you now!" she screamed "She already has an F!" I asked her what her daughter got last quarter. "An F!" She responded. I didn't fight with her. I just let her yell at me. Her daughter is a sweet girl that is very slow, I always try and get her to do work and give her friendly smacks on top of the head when I see she isn't. I was surprised to see she came from such an aggressive mother, but I realize that the mother probably feels helpless. She probably feels like she doesn't know what to do to help her daughter and wants to blame someone. I can understand that.

Another student's step-mother took another approach. She came with her son to get the report card. Abdul is a jolly, outgoing, distracted, and often annoying student. As easy to like as he is to dislike. He is an amateur charmer and an outright baby when he doesn't get his way. His mother knew his game.

"I want to find out why my son has an F in your class." She came to me, saying. "Well, let's have a look" I said, flipping to his grades. "Well he hasn't done too terribly, but he never finished his project here and that was worth 500 points. She turned toward Abdul who was standing arms length away from her. "Come here." she said through clenched teeth and grabbed him toward her "This lady is telling me that the reason you are failing her class is because you didn't do this project. Why didn't you do this project?" Abdul mumbled something under his breath. She turned to me. "Did he ever ask you for help or tell you that he didn't understand the directions?" She asked me, daring me to answer. I shook my head. Then, in a moment, she had Abdul by the throat. She grabbed his collar and pushed him backward into a lunch table. She was choking him. His eyes started to water.

I was frozen.

"You are going to stay after school and you are going to finish this project to get those points. Then you are going to work twice as hard on the work you have to do now until you get a passing grade in this class. Do you understand me." Abdul nodded. His mother let him go. He sank down onto the table and caught his breath. "He'll improve." She told me and they left.

I don't know if that method will work, but I was glad she came.

escort.

2007-04-17T08:36:00.000-05:00

I got this memo in my box this morning. I have no idea what the "recent events" are:

TO: All Teachers, security, staff

Due to the recent events the student listed above is to be supervised at ALL times. A safety plan will be put into place with the help of the ICARE team. The student is to be:

* Escorted to and from class by a staff member appointed by the principal
* Be seated around male students ONLY
* Escorted by staff if he needs to leave the classroom for any reason
* Supervised at all times

This includes nonacademic times such as lunch, arrival, dismissal and assemblies.

senior.

2007-04-11T16:09:00.000-05:00

There are only ten weeks left of school and then senior class is starting to feel its' status.

Today we had a meeting with the seniors, the principal, the counselors, and a couple of other teachers. Plans for prom and graduation should have been finished months ago, but are still underway. The meeting was unproductive and chaotic. The counselor or principal would speak to the group while the students listening would shout at them arguing "Why prom gotta be so expensive!" or "Don't no one gonna tell me I can't graduate on time!". The other students were talking and laughing with each other, not paying attention. But it wasn't all their fault, the staff was disorganized and the principal would often interrupt herself and hold up her finger to the students while she conferred with another teacher on things like what time graduation would start or how much the senior luncheon was going to cost.

Since we are a small school we only have about 50 kids graduating. When they were freshmen their class was about 400 students large, but the drop out rate is high here and the graduation rate low. Some of the seniors in the meeting today won't be graduating either. Othell, who I wrote about a couple of entries ago, hasn't come back to school. His situation doesn't look good. I spoke to the counselor about him today "Doesn't look like he'll make it" she said. I doubt he'll try for a third time.

The time is exciting, though, and things are coming together for a lot of the graduating students. Albert, also a second year senior, showed me an acceptance letter today. He was beaming. It was a city school that I had him apply to earlier in the year. The school accepted him with a GPA of 1.7 and an ACT score of 12. "Are you gonna go?" I asked him.

"Hell yeah." He said.

love.

2007-04-09T11:09:00.000-05:00

I love my students.

After coming back from spring break there was a new attitude from most of the students. An attitude of excitement and of overall calm.

I missed them. Today I realised how much I liked them. Almost all of them now. In the beginning I only really liked a few students. Now the ones I used to hate behave differently. In the beginning of the school year I didn't know them. Now I do. Now I know to ask "Did you see your Dad over the break?" to Jasmine or "Did you apply for that job at Payless?" to Shaneek. It's a whole different story now that I have gotten to know them personally. They still swear in my class and throw paper balls, but when I look at them they apologize and I hardly have to write any kids up anymore.

Even LaParis who, in the last entry I wrote, had taken all the folders out of the cabinet and thrown them on the floor. The day after that incident I told her we needed to talk before she came back in the class. "I know" she said "I'm sorry. I just got real frustrated." I told her it was okay. That was all I needed to hear. I know these kids have a difficult time controlling their feelings. I just want to know they aren't doing it maliciously.

I care about them now. A lot.

okay.

2007-03-28T23:47:00.000-05:00

Sometimes students want to be kicked out of class.

Today I had to ask one of my students, LaParis, to leave the room. LaParis is a flirtatious girl with a 2 year old. I see her and her baby leaving school together a lot and she often persuades me to look at it. I never know how to react. The baby is cute and I can't help but say so and give him a smile. Somehow I feel like I shouldn't give her too much positive attention for having a baby, but just the same I don't want to make her feel bad for it. I'm often torn which leads to an awkward interaction.

During 6th period today LaParis couldn't find her folder in the cabinet and got frustrated. "Where my folder!" she screamed. loud. "Someone stole my folder!" she yelled again. Then one by one she started picking up the other students' folders and dropping them on the ground. She did this methodically, almost rhythmically. It took me a few seconds to react. "LaParis, stop that!" I told her. "Pick those up!" "Nah uh," she said "I aint picking that shit up, it aint mine." I told her to leave then, if she wouldn't pick them up.

"Okay" she said, quick as a response could be, and walked out the door.

staff.

2007-03-27T15:05:00.000-05:00

The staff at the high school are sometimes just as uneducated as the students.

Memos that land in the teachers' mailboxes and fliers that are taped up around the school are often filled with mistakes. It happens so often that these papers are cluttered with spelling and gramatical errors that it seems redundant to mention it to anyone. Like the students' work, these things often go uncorrected. Here is an example of such a posting that has been hanging up all semester:

COLOR PAPER

The color paper is a different wait or thickness
then the white paper using color paper can
DAMAGE THE MACHINE.

THANK YOU

father.

2007-03-23T08:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I forgot my lunch and had to go to the Burger King across the street to get some food.

I ran into one of my students.

It was Othell, one of my Seniors. He was walking home and didn't seem to be embarrassed by seeing me, didn't look like he was caught in the act of leaving school early. He said "Hi" to me and I put my arm through his and pushed him back toward the school. "Othell, what are you doing!" I scolded him. "Man, you don't know. They don't understand my situation. I gotta leave early."

Othell is a second year senior. He was supposed to graduate last year, but didn't have enough credits to walk across the stage. He is more mature than most of the kids in a lot of ways, but still struggles with doing well in his classes. "Why do you need to leave?" I asked "What's your situation?". "I gotta go home and watch my child, my baby mama is about to leave for work."

Turns out Othell has a two-year old. I didn't know that. He has been leaving school every other day and skipping his last 4 classes. "We been trying to find a babysitter," he said "but we can't find one. My son, he's real bad" Sometimes his girlfriend's mother watches the baby, but sometimes she can't.

I asked Othell why he didn't bring the baby to the school day care. "Because" he said "if I have to take him home after school then I won't make it to work on time" "Where do you work?" I asked. "Hobo's" he said, and showed me his name tag. I didn't ask what Hobo's was, but it looked like a little fast food joint. "Plus, my baby mama don't want to take him to her school daycare because she always gets into it with the other girls up in there and she don't want him in that mess" "She fights with the other girls?" I asked. "Yeah" he said.

We were standing on the street corner this whole time, in between Burger King and the school. Me with my teacher's clothes on and him with his uniform shirt in his hand and his Hobo's nametag. He didn't have to stand there and talk to me and I didn't have to stand there and talk to him. But we were there. We were trying to figure this out. Othell knows that he if keeps this up he won't graduate on time. The school year is almost over and he already has some F's from first semester.

We figured out that if his boss let's him start work at 4pm instead of 3:15pm and if his girlfriend will allow him to take his son to the daycare here at the school then he can make it. He can leave here, drop off his kid and make it to work on time. I was excited we figured out a solution. Othell says that his boss is real cool so hopefully that will work out. He didn't know about his baby's mother though. "She crazy sometimes" He said. I waited to hear about what happened today during Homeroom, but he didn't show up.

I hope he comes tomorrow.

substitute.

2007-03-20T14:02:00.000-05:00

I was out of school all last week.

It's a little scary leaving school for so long. I was afraid I would come back and the kids would have destroyed the classroom. I imagined the computers with cracked screens and the bulleton boards torn to shreds. But when I came back the room was pretty much in the same order I left it and I was greeted with hugs and choruses of "We missed you!"

It felt good to get all that love. Even kids that I've had problems with all year seemed to be relieved I was back. I dont' know if its a good sign or a bad sign that they prefer me to the sub. I think the sub was really strict. All I know is that I appreciated the affection.

wake up.

2007-03-07T16:03:00.000-06:00

I've been giving out wake up calls.

A lot of my seniors haven't been getting to school on time. This is a problem with most of the kids. At 8am, when school starts, there are only two or three students in the classroom. Tardiness is such a problem that school-wide the failure rate in first period is over 90%. In my first period class its 98%.

So I've been calling kids in the morning. At first it was just one kid, a senior in my homeroom. He was complaining about how he never gets to school until third period. "Why don't you set your alarm earlier?" I asked "I DO!" He said "I just don't hear it or something, I don't know." "Well can't your mom just make you get up?" I said. "Nah, she sleeps real late. I'm supposed to wake her up before I go to school" I thought about this. "Well," I said "Why don't I call you tomorrow morning when I get up?" "Aw for real? Yeah that would be funny if my teacher called me. Would you do that for real?"

I did. I called his house that next morning. It was weird to wake him up. "I'm up, I'm up!" He said, like I was shaking him out of bed. "Okay, I'll see you at school" I told him.

Now I have a list of 4 students to call every morning. It's a lot of responsibility, but it feels good and I think its working.

adopt.

2007-03-06T20:50:00.000-06:00

Today I spoke to Candance about adoption.

I was just curious if she had thought about it. Any teenage girl that gets pregnant at my school ends up having and keeping the baby. None of the girls seem to consider adoption or even abortion. I thought perhaps it was because they didn't have enough information on the options.

When I've spoken to Candance about it over the past couple days, she hasn't seem very excited about the prospect of having a kid. I guess I don't know what to expect out of a teenage mother, but she seems sort of neutral about the whole thing. When I asked her if she was excited about picking out baby clothes she told me she wasn't. "I don't really like shopping" she said "I'll just wait until people give me things for the baby shower"

This made me want to talk to Candance more about adoption. I tried to talk to her casually about it. I talked to her about if she thought about not keeping it. "Well, I don't believe in abortion," she said "so I knew I wasn't going to do that. But my grandmother wanted me to get one at first" I asked her about adoption and she told me she didn't want to do that either. "I'm not going to give my baby away! What if the family is mean?" she said. I told her that there was all sorts of ways that adoption works and that you can even choose the family your baby goes to "You can even interview them." I told her. "Well thats a good idea." she agreed.

Later on I showed Candance a website that talked about open adoption and how a birth mother could even set up visits with the baby and be a part of their life. Candance really liked that idea. She thought it was great. On the website I showed her, you could even scroll through families that were looking to adopt and look at pictures. "There are a lot of white people." Candance observed. "Yeah." I said.

After school I called Candance's grandmother. I thought she might be an ally for me in this adoption idea. After all, she had told Candance that she should get an abortion. She was really nice on the phone. She seemed really concerned about Candance and she kept saying how it was a mistake, a terrible mistake, that she had made. I spoke to her gently about adoption. I told her that I had showed Candance a website about it and that even though Candance seemed nervous about adoption it was a really good option. I told her grandmother that I could help with anything and even drive Candance to meet with a counselor.

"You mean giving the baby up to another family? Oh no! We are not doing that. We do not want to give the baby up for adoption." She said "We have plenty of family support and the baby is coming home with us. Her mother, my daughter, is excited about a baby and I am too. No one else is getting the baby." She told me firmly. "I thank you for your concern, but we have it all taken care of" she said. I told her I wouldn't press the issue "I just wanted to make sure Candance had support at home" I told her.

I felt embarrassed. I imagined Candance's grandmother talking to Candance about it, telling her about my phone call and what nerve I had calling her house. I felt stupid. I felt as though I had overstepped my bounds. Who was I to call home? I shouldn't have called her grandmother. What if Candance was considering adoption and I had blown it, drawn attention to it? Or what if Candance doesn't trust me anymore now? What if she won't come to me with her concerns with the baby, afraid that I will call home about it?

She belongs to a different culture than I do and I don't understand it. If I had, I would have known not to call. I wouldn't have brought white ideals to her grandmother and expected her to accept them. I wouldn't have spoken so confidently about something I know so little about.

I am an outsider.

suck.

2007-03-01T16:35:00.000-06:00

I have quite a few kids that still suck their thumbs. They don't seem to feel any shame for it. They aren't embarrassed at all to be 16 and sucking their fingers in a High School classroom.

I imagine that those students just never had anyone tell them to stop sucking their fingers when they were little. No parent to consistently tell them to take their thumb out of their mouth. And so they continue to use it as a comfort.

Today I found out that one of my thumbsuckers, Candance, was pregnant. She has been pregnant for six months and I just didn't ever notice. She brought some ultrasound pictures to school and was passing them around. "Whose pictures are these?" I asked her "They're mine!" she said "Whose are they, really?" I asked again "I'm serious, those are mine!" She said. And then I looked at her stomach. There she was, six months pregnant. Why hadn't I noticed before? I guess I don't normally scan the classroom for pregnant bellies.

Candance is graduating this year. She is due mid May and graduation is in early June. "I guess you'll be coming to graduation with a baby, huh?" I said. "Yeah" she sighed. I asked her if she was scared. "Of course I'm scared" she said quietly.

Then she sucked her thumb.

sticks.

2007-02-23T17:22:00.000-06:00

We have about 10 security guards that I know about in the school. There are some that guard the floors in general and others that have posts by the exits making sure no one sneaks out or in.

The security guards on the floor all carry yardsticks. They chase kids with them and smack their butts and sides of their legs when they find them. "I'm in an ass smackin' mood!" they threaten as the shoo the students off to their classes. If they find kids cutting class and hanging out in the stairwell or hallways they'll chase after them with the stick. The kids in response will scream and laugh and run away. It's a game.

When I first started teaching here I thought it was about the weirdest thing I had ever seen. Why have the stick? They aren't afraid of it and it turns it into a playful fear instead of a legitimate one. Now I'm used to it.

Today there were some kids hanging out in the hallway outside of my door. One of the security guards came and chased them off with her stick. It was like playing a game with a toddler. They were back 10 minutes later giggling and whispering and then screaming again when she found them.

I guess that works.

star.

2007-02-22T09:12:00.000-06:00

Shonique and I have discovered a new website. It really helps with her reading and her special ed teacher lets her come down during the last period of the day to work on it sometimes. It's called StarFall and it is exactly what Shonique needs right now.

Everyday when Shonique comes down to work I try to get her to log on to the site on her own. Everyday she struggles with the spelling. She remembers that it is called StarFall but she forgets how to spell it. I make her sound out Star which is the hardest for her. She always forgets the "t". She closes her eyes and starts to spell "S.....A....R?" "nope," I say "you are forgetting a letter" "Um....S...L? no. S....R....A?" "Sound it out, Shonique"

And she does. She sounds it out and makes that "T" distinct enough to hear it and eventually spells it correctly. But today when she comes in she'll forget again and we'll have to do it once more.

I hope its helping.

cameras.

2007-02-21T22:16:00.000-06:00

Today there was a big to do about a couple of kids smoking marijuana in the hallway.

Everyone was pretty shocked that they would have the nerve to just smoke in the middle of everything without fear of getting caught. I wasn't really. I remember back when I was in ninth grade a boy lit a joint in the middle of English class. I imagine the incident today was for the same reasoning. The act of defiance was more important than getting high before 7th period.

Anyway I forgot that the school had cameras. There are security cameras all around the building, in hallways and in stairwells. I never see them when I go from place to place, but the security guards were all gathered around the monitors trying to see who lit up. I don't think the system is very sophisticated though. They never found out who it was.

supplies.

2007-02-18T14:26:00.000-06:00

One of the biggest problems I have with my students is that they don't come to class prepared. Often kids come without anything. Just themselves. No pencil, no paper, no backpack. They just come in.

A lot of the kids do have backpacks though, I would say that a little over half of them do. They don't have regular backpacks though, at least not the kind I had as a kid, with the two straps and the zippers. The have the kind with drawstings which usually have a brand name on them or some sort of logo like "fritos" or "verizon".

It's great that these kids have anything at all, but unfortunately it doesn't fit any books or folders. Mostly they have folded up pieces of paper and maybe some kind of writing utensil. Most of the time they still don't have the stuff they need though, and its so frustrating to teach. If its time for a test or any kind of written work there is a hesitant scramble to get supplies. I don't give out pencils or pens to my students like some other teachers do. I'm pretty stubborn about it. I don't want them to feel like they don't need to be prepared because I will supply it for them. They still seem to think its my responsibility though. If they don't bring a pencil and can't take a test they blame me for not giving them one. And maybe I should. I don't know. I guess I am trying to teach them responsibility or something. I don't think its working though. Instead I just have a lot of kids getting zeros on their tests.

recommend.

2007-02-15T17:58:00.000-06:00

Today I had to write a letter of recommendation for one of my students. It was for a very elite and competitive summer program at Princeton University. Princeton flies them out to New Jersey and pays for their food and housing for 2 weeks and gives them all sorts of amazing opportunities. The program is only for minority students from low income backgrounds, but they have to have a 3.0 GPA or higher.

At my high school having a 3.0 GPA is extraordinary. These are kids that actually care about their grades and have some sort of aspiration for after they get out of high school. I only asked about 8 students to fill out an application and only one kid actually did it. His name is Nico and he is a Junior this year.

Nico had a lot of writing to do for this application. He had to write three long essays and fill out an application. This is more than even my University application asked for. But he did it. He actually went home and wrote out those essays and then went to the library to type it up. And he did it without me begging him to.

As I was writing this letter of recommendation I just couldn't figure out how to express to these people at Princeton how amazing Nico is. How, even though his writing isn't very good, that he is the best we have. That its so extraordinary that he even filled out an application or took the time to even think about it. How they need to accept him because he has never been out of the city and he still dreams of bigger things than selling drugs at the corner. And how Nico can't put on his resume that he is in National Honors Society or the Environmental Club or anything like that because we don't have those things at our school.

The letter was so frustrating for me to write. I was almost crying as I put it in its sealed envelope because I know that Nico's writing isn't as strong as other kids across the country that are applying. I know that he wasn't as thoughtful as some other kids, but I wanted so bad to convince Princeton to take this kid. Just take him and give him a way out. I am so afraid that I didn't do him justice, that I didn't write as good of letter as I could have. But we postmarked it today on the deadline and we sent it out.

I am so proud of just that.

life.

2007-02-08T13:31:00.000-06:00

I had the students write essays about their life. Here are three of them transcribed exactly how they were written:

"It all started the beginning of 2006 When I start to change my ways that when I Became a Jr in high School. I want to become a B student but the way I was going it was not look good, because my first report card wus good it could been better, but now Christmas is come I am trying to Stay Out of trouble but Where I live that is kind of hard because people is always running from policemen and dilling drugs and but the people that do it I no them and that make me want to do it so if they just Stop I can start working on my collage years, and I also want to go to the NBA but I need help from my family my mom, dad, sister and brother to, saport me is my life dreams, and that my life story so far..."

"I'm black I have dark brown eyes my skin color is carmal colored. I'm 5/11 I have large black lips and I live with my mother and dad. I have 3 brothers a 2 sister and my sister's son that live with us. We all sometimes would play the game together we would watch movies together and talk to each other we all went though bad times sold drugs stole thing drove cars fought ansisent people and all sort of stuff. Been in gangs having sex."

"The everyday life of me. My life is so hard. I go to sleep at 1:00am because I have to get my mom up for work Get my little brother and sister ready for school. Get back up at 4:30am to get my daddy up for work because he sleep right thourgh the alarm cloce. And teacher ask why I'm late for school. Someday I just go back to sleep and try to wake up at like 15 to 20 min for I level for school. Sometime am late and sometime I am on time. I like the days when Im on time for school. When I come on time at make the day go bye faster than if I come late. I have to take two train and a bus to get to school Come to school from the south is hard people make fun of me for going to school. People fighting live everyday and school."

gay.

2007-02-04T00:20:00.000-06:00

We have a handful of gay kids in the school. None of them are openly gay, but most people know it. Masculinity is incredibly important for the kids in my school and the boys won't participate in anything the least bit effeminate. We talked about starting up a gay/straight alliance, but the principal wouldn't allow it. She said it would open the kids up for torture from the other students. She doesn't want the gay kids to come out of the closet. "Maybe if it met somewhere secluded" she said "and if there were no fliers or announcements made about it."

A girl last year made a big deal about, threatened to go to the board about it, saying they had a right to start this club if they wanted. She was right. The principal can't stop the students from starting a club like this. But the girl graduated before anything was done and it doesn't seem like any of the current students have the same activist spirit.

There is one kid though, that is starting to come out a little bit. His name is Nathan and he is really talented at fashion design. This year a lot of girls are paying him to design their dresses for the prom. The other day I saw a boy come up to him in homeroom and ask him if he did suits as well. It was great to see that exchange. It gave me hope for tolerance. At least during prom season.

quiet.

2007-02-04T00:05:00.000-06:00

I have two boys that won't speak.

They are both in different classes and I don't think they are connected at all, but neither one of them has said a word all year. They don't speak to kids and they don't speak to teachers. They don't speak at all. In fact they don't even really look at me when I call them for attendance. They don't really do work and most of the time I don't even notice them there. The other kids taunt them sometimes, but mostly they leave them alone.

At the end of the first quarter one of the kids, Darius, showed up with his mom. She wanted to know why Darius was failing. "Did you know that Darius doesn't talk?" I asked her. "Shit, is he still doing that?" She responded. I asked her if Darius spoke at home. "Not really," she said "he mostly just stays by himself."

The other boy, Kiara, is in my 6th period class. Yesterday he spoke for the first time. "Terry Stone just got beat up by a freshman" He said quietly. "Terry from this class?" I asked him. He nodded. "What happened?" I asked. He looked away. I guess that was all he was ready to say.

shoes.

2007-01-30T14:56:00.000-06:00

I called a student's house today because I wanted to her parents about her progress. She is one of my brightest students, but is getting progressively worse as the year goes on. When I called a small child picked up. He sounded around 4 or 5 years old:

"Hi!"

"Hi. can I speak to Ms. Hardy?"

"Who that?"

"Is you mommy home? Can I speak to your mommy?"

"No she not home. She went to buy shoes."

"Well, is there anybody else home that I can talk to?"

"Nobody home."

"Nobody's home? Are you there by yourself?"

"Uh huh. Goodbye!"

popped.

2007-01-25T23:07:00.000-06:00

"Alyssia Kay got popped!"

I heard it from a girl in my 6th period class, Alyssia Kay was pregnant. She got knocked up by some kid named Travis, a Junior. I'm not especially fond of Alyssia. I don't dislike her or anything, but she has a huge attitude and is really disrespectful. She's one of the few kids that have behavior problems mixed with good grades. She is always on the honor roll and is very competitive with the other kids.

The other teachers have talked about their firsts. The first time one of their kids got pregnant. Now, I've had a few girls that were pregnant when school started and have since had their babies, and a bunch of students that already have babies at home, but this is the first girl that has gotten pregnant on my watch. The other teachers talk about the changes that take place. The sudden surge of attention from boys, the inflation in attitude, the frequent absences, the drop in grades. "You're in for a treat" the history teacher told me today.

So is Alyssia, I guess.

copy.

2007-01-22T16:46:00.000-06:00

There is only one copy machine in the school that the teachers are allowed to use. We have to provide our own paper and we only get 500 copies per quarter. I have about 180 students and have learned to save my copying for important things. Like exams.

All last week the copier was having problems. It wouldn't copy anything double sided, for instance, and then all of a sudden it took to leaving a black streak mark in the middle of the paper. Final exams were coming up and none of the teachers could make their exams for the students.

On Friday the machine was down completely because the repairman had left after forgetting a part. Today the students started their Finals and this morning I went to Kinkos. 180 copies of my exam was $74.90.

When I got to school there was a memo in the teachers' boxes: No reimbursements will be given.

lunch.

2007-01-21T10:24:00.000-06:00

The students at my school are all low income so they are a part of the free lunch program. The lunch here is the same everyday in what they offer: nachos, hot dogs, hamburgers, pizza, french fries, fruit, and milk. It never varies. The nachos are the same you might get a a movie theater with yellow liquid cheese and pickled jalepeno peppers. The hamburgers and hot dogs are microwaved and soggy. The pizza is greasy and cold in the middle. The fruit is unripe.

Along with the lunch the school also offers a variety of snacks. To pick they have the very popular Flaming Hot Cheetos, along with other assortments of chips and cookies, flavored drinks that claim to be juice, and slushies. Some kids eat only from these choices for their meal, avoiding the actual "food" altogether. Some students, especially the girls, see it all unfit and go without lunch.

The worst thing about this lunch program, the thing that really makes it bad, is that the students are not allowed to bring food into the school. They cannot bring their own lunch to school. Every students is required to put their backpack, if they have one, through the x-ray machine. If they get caught with food in their backpack in the morning the security guards throw it away.

And so a neighborhood, who's main food source is the Burger King across the street, is forced to throw away those peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and apple sauce containers. They are made to eat what they are given; soggy hot dogs and slushies.

Eat that or eat nothing.

back.

2007-01-09T22:00:00.000-06:00

Tanisha, my assaulter, came back to class today. She brought a note from the attendance office asking the teachers to give her missing work from her suspension. She came up to my desk and said "Can you sign this?"

It was so weird to see her again, but at the same time not weird at all. I said "so you're back, huh?" and she nodded. We didn't acknowledge the incident that put her out of school in the first place. She didn't apologize and I didn't ask her to. She just sat down and her seat and acted just like she always has. She talked during my lecture and screamed at her friends, she put her head down and rolled her eyes, she drew on the desk and fell asleep before class was over.

break.

2007-01-08T21:48:00.000-06:00

Today was the first day back from Winter break. I felt anxious before first period started. I ran the lesson over in my head to make sure I had it right before I taught. It felt like the morning before the first day of school. I was nervous.

A few girls came in earlier than usual and ran up to my desk wishing me a happy new year. It seemed like they might have wanted to hug me, but the desk made the transition awkward and although normally I'm a very huggy person I'm still wary of touching students. The administration offers lots of warning against any physical contact. I immediately regretted not hugging them though, it felt silly.

When first period started I tried to get the attention of my students so I could teach a new lesson. First period is very difficult to teach because there is always a steady stream of latecomers knocking at the door. I have never had even 50% of my students by the time the tardy bell rings and when a kid comes late you have to make sure they have a pass so that they'll get a detention, often they argue with me at the doorway and won't leave to get a pass until I push them out and lock the door. It's an interruption.

The kids were excited to be back from break and one kid in particular, Jerrel, wouldn't quit talking. He was telling a very loud story about some sexual experience he'd had over break. "On my life, I swear!" he said following doubting eyes from the other boys around him. His story was graphic and he would quiet down for the dirty parts. I heard him anyway. Jerrel has one of those voices you can hear above all others. I asked him to be quiet a few times and finally I told him to shut up. I'd never told a kid to shut up before and I immediately felt bad about it. Jerrel retorted. "Man you shut up!" and then "Fuck you anyway" under his breath. I told him to leave and wrote him up.

When school was almost over for the day I saw Jerrel hiding in the stairwell, skipping class. I said "Jerrel, what are you doing?" He said "man, why do you hate me for?"

I was kind of shocked when he said this. It sounded like a sincere question. How did he know I hated him? Do I hate him? Is that wrong? I felt a wave of guilt. "I don't hate you, but you always act up in my class". He didn't say anything and I walked away feeling bad. Maybe if I tried to be nice to him he would be better in my class.

Walking away from Jerrel I remembered that before Winter break he had squirted juice all over one of the computers in my classroom and refused to clean it up. It took me 20 minutes to get the juice out of the keyboard and there are still pockets of blue liquid in there that I can't get out.

I hope he skips my class tomorrow.

navy.

2006-12-21T19:12:00.000-06:00

The Navy came today.

The recruiter walked into my senior homeroom and all the students perked up. She started talking about money for college and choosing your own career path and all the experience you can get. For the first time in my life I was all about the U.S. Military.

I looked around at my kids and silently predicted their future. There weren't very many seniors, only a few of them have real plans for life after high school. Most of them haven't seriously applied to college and a lot of them won't get in. Some of them are settling for city community colleges, but some of them won't go anywhere.

I hoped they were considering joining the Navy. A huge part of me is appalled at how much of a target the students in this demographic are for the military. I feel like the kids are being manipulated because of their poverty. This used to really upset me, but now I pray these kids will join. It's better than being in a gang or selling drugs on the street. I guess your chances of dying are about the same, but at least you'll die with money for college.

assault.

2006-12-19T14:35:00.001-06:00

Today I got assaulted by a student.

It wasn't too serious. She didn't hurt me or anything, but she wanted to. She was filling out a job application and listening to music on the computer when she should have been sitting at the desk doing her work for class. When I told her to turn off the music and sit down she said "no". I walked over to her and asked her again and she refused again and turned away from me. I picked up her stuff to move it over to a desk and she snatched her paper out of my hand. "Don't take my shit, bitch!"

This is where my heart starts beating faster. This is where an everyday confrontation leads to something else.

I take the rest of her stuff like her pen and her notebook that I had picked up and and I walk to the door. "Alright Tanisha, its time to go" I say very calmly. Kids call me a bitch every once in a while and it doesn't affect me too much anymore. But today Tanisha chased after me. She grabbed my hand and started wrestling the pen out of my hand. "Give me my mother fuckin pen!" she was screaming. I didn't. I held tight. I was mad.

She clawed at my hand and scratched me. I looked down and noticed some blood. I still held on to the pen and she was still pulling. I heard a snap and saw black spill over where the blood had been. Tanisha fell back. By this time her sister had run out of the room to tell her to stop. There were kids in the hallway from my class that were watching and they were yelling at her to stop. She got up and came toward me and started pointing her finger in my face. "Buy me a new pen, bitch, now you have to buy me a new pen!" "I don't have to buy you anything" I said. I wasn't scared she was going to hit me, for some reason I WANTED her to hit me. "oooh, I am going to fuck this bitch up" she said as her sister restrained her. "go ahead and hit me" I said in my calmest voice. "don't make me hit you bitch!" she yelled back.

Her sister kept saying "What are you doing, girl, that's a teacher!" "Stop it, that's a teacher!" and Tanisha kept coming toward me with her hands restrained, swearing at me and promising to "fuck me up". "Go ahead" I responded "see what happens". I wouldn't have hit her back, but I would have gotten her expelled. Finally Tanisha fell to the ground and got up and started to walk off. I told the security guard a brief version of what happened and went back in the room to write her up.

As I started to write the report I noticed that my hands were shaking.

neighborhood.

2006-12-14T22:21:00.000-06:00

The high school I teach at is considered a "neighborhood school".

The city has a program called "School Choice". What it means is that students in 8th grade across the city apply to high school like one might apply to college. There are different high schools across the city that offer different things. Some might have a good arts program while others have a good science program. One might focus on ROTC while another on college prep. The high school up for applications often have entrance exams and GPA requirements. Some even require essays and personal statements. The competition is fierce and often students do not get accepted to the school of their choice.

That's where the neighborhood school comes in. The neighborhood school, like the one I teach at, is the fallback. It's the school that HAS to let you in. It is the school that you are zoned for and the school they will send you back to if you don't cut it at the school of your choice.

There are plusses and minuses to this program. The plus is obvious, there is more choice. If your local school doesn't have a strong theater program, you can go to one that does. If your child has an interest in technology, they can apply to a school that caters to students who do. Students can find their interests early and start working on them right away.

The minuses to the school choice program are what I see every day. A school full of kids that either couldn't or didn't try to get in to a better school. A school full of kids that are considered the bottom of the bottom. A school where the valedictorian has a 3.5 GPA and isn't sure she wants to go to college. A school that the smart kids want to leave and the others learn to resent.

music.

2006-12-07T17:59:00.000-06:00

There is no music program at the school. No marching band, no chorus, nothing. These kids, like all kids, love music, and it's a shame that they have no outlet to make it. I have some recording equipment, though, and I usually let my best kids stay after and record music.

They are pretty amazing. They make all kinds of stuff and its always impressive. Usually they just freestyle rap, and they make their own beats with their fists on the table. Today they let me join in.

I started banging on the table with them, all of us in a circle. I looked around at all the kids smiling and shaking their heads to the beat and I never felt so proud to be included in something.

I love my kids.

drugs.

2006-12-06T11:28:00.000-06:00

I kicked a kid out yesterday for smelling strongly of marijuana. I was surprized by his nerve, not even bothering to cover up the smell. This was the third time this year he has smelled so strongly of it. He came to see me after school.

He came in and sat down. He didn't say anything to me, just sat there. "You smoke every morning?" I asked him. "Of course." he replied. "I can't stand to make it through the day if I don't". I told him that was pretty sad. We talked about it for a while, he told me that he has to come to school because he's on probation and if he smokes before school it helps him get through the day. I asked him why he was on probation. "Selling drugs." He said shyly.

I learned a lot about Nathan. He still sells drugs, even though he is on probation. He clears about $500 a day. He sells weed and crack, but he doesn't smoke crack because he "doesn't want to kill himself". "Oh but you don't mind killing other people?" I asked him. "They're gonna get it some way, I might as well get paid for it" He had a point.

He doesn't sell to kids, he told me, but I have a feeling that's not true. He started selling drugs when HE was a kid, at 12. "My older brothers got me started" He told me, he says all four of his older brothers sell drugs, but he doesn't want his little brother to start. "Why not?" I asked "He doesn't need too! He can get all his money from me."

I didn't find out about his home life too much, he told me he had to go. He said he would try to make it to first period tomorrow on time, I asked him if he could try coming without smoking a bowl first.

He shook his head.

wrong.

2006-12-04T19:55:00.000-06:00

There are some kids I don't care about. It's true. There are some kids that I don't have the energy to care about. I have about a 45% failure rate in my class, which unfortunately is not uncommon for my school. It sucks. It's depressing. I think if I had maybe 10% or 20% I could really tackle it. I could call parents and talk to the kids one on one, tell them that they are important, that they can do better.

But I don't do that. I pick a few. I pick a few kids that appeal to me one way or another and focus on saving them. And to be honest, I don't think I'm really saving them. But when they get a bad grade I call them on it, or if they already have an "F" I applaud them for doing work. But there are some kids I don't give any attention too. There are some kids that I see run past my door when they should be in class and I just ignore them. I don't want them in my room. I don't want to help them. I kind of hate them.

I feel really guilty about that.

twenty-six.

2006-12-01T17:56:00.000-06:00

Today it snowed. It was the first real snowfall of the season and I wondered if school might be closed. It wasn't.

When I got to school I asked around and found out that in the past 7 years the city schools have only been closed once for snow. The city doesn't like to take snow days because its a loss of funds and sometimes parents complain that they have no where to put their kids when it snows and they have to go to work.

So today school was open. And I started my day with only 5 students in my first period class. In a class of 35 this is a big difference. The day continued like this and at the end of the last period the attendance office reported an attendance rate of 26%. We usually have poor attendance anyway and most days clear about 82%, but today was pretty significant.

On days with low attendance most teachers have the kids watch a movie or just talk throughout the day. I had my kids do work and it was the most gratifying day I've had yet. In all my classes I had only 5 to 10 students. The kids were attentive, they didn't complain, and I didn't have to be strict at all. I think my kids learned more today then they have all year. We did really great work and I felt like an amazing teacher.

provoked.

2006-11-29T20:35:00.000-06:00

You can't just kick kids out for anything. For instance, if a kid gets up in the middle of class and runs around the room in circles knocking over chairs in his path - you can't kick him out. If in the middle of a test a student shouts out all the answers - you can't kick him out. If while explaining directions to a project a student yells "This class sucks and I'm not doing this stupid project!" - you can't kick him out.

You can only throw them out of the room for a few things. In the very public of public schools, with a large percentage of students being wards of the state and an even larger percent being special ed, the students have a lot of rights. Their number one right is "The right to education". And so you have to keep them in class. No matter that they might be disrupting ANOTHER student's right to education you have to keep them in.

One of the ways you can get a student out of class is if they use profanity. In my school the kids use A LOT of profanity. If they use it in your direction you can put them out no problem. Because of this a lot of teachers provoke the kids they have problems with. If a student is acting out and being disruptive a teacher might try and provoke them to use profanity. It's very easy to do because profanity is such a natural part of most of their vocabulary so if you talk to them long enough they will probably use it.

I have never been a provoker and I've always felt uneasy about it, but today I did it for the first time. I had a kid that would not sit down, was running around and shouting, when I told him to sit down for the fifth time he said "I don't got to listen to you, white lady". That racist remark really got me. This year is my first time being racially discriminated against and it really sets me off. I wanted this kid out of my class. So I provoked him. "What do you mean you don't have to listen to me?" I asked. "You heard me." he responded. "No, I didn't hear you, say it again" I told him. " I SAID I don't have to listen to you, BITCH"

BAM! I got him. I made a mental note of his exact words so I could write him up. But I kept going "Whoa, now I have to write you up for profanity" I told him. He kept going too "I don't give a fuck, you is some shit." "I'm some what?" I asked. "You is some SHIT!" He yelled.

weave.

2006-11-20T17:09:00.000-06:00

You can always tell when there has been a girl fight. The kids recognize it instantly. "Hey was there a fight up in here?" They asked excitedly today. I told them there hadn't been. "Then what's all this weave doing on the floor?"

Sometimes strands just come out, I guess. I am not schooled in the art of black hair or "Ethnic Hair" as they label it on the aisle marker in the grocery store. I am curious about it, though, interested. I asked a student about her hair a while ago. "Why do you put lotion in your hair" I asked. There was another girl standing above her administering the process. She looked at me in the precise way I hoped she wouldn't "Because its dry." She said, just as dry.

I have always felt strongly that the notion of "everyone is the same" is a big factor into racism. Everyone is NOT the same. We are all EQUAL, but we are not the same. I don't want to pretend as though my students' lives are the same as mine. I am sure that their Thanksgiving dinner will look different from my family's. I want to know about it. I want to ask about it. I want them to ask about mine.

And I want them to tell me why their weave is on my classroom floor.

good.

2006-11-17T17:21:00.000-06:00

A while a go I found out that one of my best sophomores, Shonique, couldn't read. I don't mean she couldn't read well, I mean she couldn't read. She knows some words by sight, but she doesn't know phonics or how to sound out words. She has an A in my class, though. She does all her work and she gets her friends to help and her mother to help with homework.

Anyway I was shocked when I found this out and surprised it had taken me so long. I frantically tried to find some one to tutor her after school for free. I called the board of education, the public school literacy department, I even tried calling the toll-free No Child Left Behind number (They were the least helpful). Finally I found a community volunteer and a retired woman from the neighborhood has been coming in every day after school to tutor this girl.

Today I gave Shonique a computer. It was an old computer that we had in the house, an old iMac G3. I took it to school today and drove Shonique home so I could hook it up for her. I am pretty sure I am not supposed to do this. I haven't heard for sure that you can't drive kids homes and give them computers, but it seems like something that wouldn't be acceptable. I told her to keep it under wraps.

It was a crazy experience going to Shonique's house. It was in the projects and it was the worst neighborhood I had ever been in. Shonique called her sister to come down and unlock the door so that we could quickly bring the computer into the building without getting robbed. A boy ran up to us and asked if he could carry it upstairs for us, Shonique looked at me and shook her head. Later I found out that kid was her brother. "He goes to a special school" she said "for behavior problems"

The damp and dark hallway lead to their 3rd floor apartment and I could see immediately how poor they were. The apartment itself wasn't so bad, it was the lack of furniture and upkeep. There was a baby walking around in stained pj's and her pregnant sister told me not to worry about him cause "he's mean". Shonique lead me into her room where snapshots lined the walls with scotch tape. Rows of pictures of cousins and friends. She had found an old desk especially for the computer and was excited to show it to me. I noticed there were no sheets on the bed I sat on.

While I set up the computer Shonique and her sister watched me. They wanted to know if the computer had the internet. I tried to explain that computers don't come with the internet and they would need to buy it separately. They seemed really disappointed and I felt as though I had let them down. When the computer was set up I showed them how it would work. I took them through some of the applications. I felt stupid explaining what iPhoto and iMovie were. I told them that to use those they would need a digital camera. They looked at me with eyes that said "oh, this is for rich people"

I came away from her building feeling bad. Like I had given them a taste of something that they can't have. A computer without the internet, without a digital camera, without a floppy disk drive.

I should have just given them a typewriter.

disorganization.

2006-11-14T19:46:00.000-06:00

There are a lot of reasons for the chaos at my high school. Most, I would say, come with the kids. There are all kinds of behavior that they bring to the school that would not be brought to a school with a middle or upper class population of students. However, I believe a lot of the problems come from the administration.

One problem experienced today was disorganization. Today was a half day and thus restructured. The kids were only in school until noon instead of the regular dismissal time of 2:30pm. So classes are shorter and they don't attend every period. Well, there was a strong lack of communication to the staff and students and the kids had no idea what class to report to when they arrived at school. "Do I go to first period or second period?" was the chorus I heard in the hallway. I told them to go to second period which was the most logical step since on Tuesdays they usually report to second period in the morning. Other teachers were telling them differently though and there were kids scattered around the school. Some trying to legitimately go to class, others taking advantage of the confusion and goofing off in the hallways. Finally there was a long awaited announcement from the administration:

"Students should go to their first period class until we figure out what to do"

...until we figure out what to do? I couldn't believe I was hearing that. Finally fifteen minutes later, another announcement came.

"Students are to report to their second period class"

shut up.

2006-11-13T22:08:00.000-06:00

Silence is a very rare thing at school. There isn't a fear of getting in trouble which is present at most schools, the students simply don't care if they get in trouble. Most times when they do something wrong nothing happens to them and if something does, its usually not that bad.

Teachers deal with the lack of silence differently. Some teachers bring yard sticks and beat them on the desks when they want students to be quiet. Others turn off the lights and wait for attention (which often never comes). When taking a test a lot of teachers give everyone zeros if the class cannot remain quiet. Today during 6th period I heard the teacher next door to me shout "Sit down and shut the fuck up!"

That's pretty common too.

synopsis.

2006-11-10T13:29:00.000-06:00

Today I had the kids write a synopsis for a story they are about to write. Here are two of the ones I got back (I am transcribing them here EXACTLY as they wrote it):

"This groups show is a comedy called a Box of Crackers which is based on a family of 3 and a black teenager from compton. Our main characters names are Dick Johnson who is the dad who got fired from the bank, the mother Kimberly Johnson who was a financial advisor and she got her waged deducted and Billy Johnson, a boy who went to a catholic school and was on the honor roll. Last but not least Keebler a black teenager who was born and raise in compton who lives with his grandparents because his parents died in a driveby. This show will show us the life of the Johnsons when they move to Compton."

"life in the hood. This is about how we feel as people in the hood like the things that we grow threw such as gangs in how the goverment is handling The situation and why on every corner the a liquor store or a fast food restorant."

birthday.

2006-11-09T00:14:00.000-06:00

Beatrice, one of my students came up to me today and said "Hey teacher, give me a dollar for my birthday!" I said "um...no" and didn't think anything of it. She walked away looking really offended, but I get asked for money all the time from kids saying they need bus money or lunch money. The administration has made it pretty clear that we are not allowed to give money to kids. I think a lot of kids probably lie and even if they don't I can't get into the habit of paying for someone's lunch everyday.

Anyway later I saw Beatrice asking another student for a birthday dollar and I was very surprised to see that the other girl actually pulled a dollar out and gave it to her. I asked Beatrice what she was doing. She told me that all of the kids did that on their birthdays. She said they didn't give presents for each other they just gave out dollars and that when it was your birthday you were supposed to walk around asking for dollars. It seems like a really weird situation to me, to go walking around begging for birthday money, but its a part of their culture that I was unaware of. After talking Beatrice asked me again to give her a dollar.

I said no, but Happy Birthday.

wanted.

2006-11-07T20:50:00.000-06:00

Today the community newspaper came out and we always get a pile of papers dropped off at the front door of the school. During first period a lot of kids had the paper out and they were excitedly looking through it. I was really happy to see them all reading it and then I figured out why.

I guess a couple kids from school got caught up in some real trouble and there was an article about it in the paper. One of my boys in first period came up to me and said "hey wasn't this kid in our class?" Sure enough one of the my kids was right there with a big CONVICTED underneath his picture. He had only come to school the first week of class but I definitely remember him. He was only a sophomore. I guess he got convicted for being involved in some local drug ring.

The weirdest thing about the streets is how these young teenage boys work with much older guys. In the paper there was another kid pictured and then the rest were grown men. Since most of these kids don't have fathers it might be one of the only relationships they have with an adult male. At 15 I wonder what this kid's life is going to be like now having been convicted for a major crime.

progress.

2006-11-06T21:15:00.000-06:00

Today I really felt like I affected a kid in a positive way.

The kid in question is Earl. Earl is a 19 year old senior. He used to be a ward of the state, which means he used to live with foster families. Since he turned 18 he moved in with some older guys that he knew and now he is supporting himself by working part time at night and coming to high school every day. Beyond doing all of that he also has a kid. He got a girl pregnant a year and a half ago and eventhough the girl and him broke up, he is still really involved with the baby and tries to take responsibility for it. He is a good kid.

In addition to everything else going on for Earl he is also a special ed kid. Like most of the kids I teach he reads and writes WAY below grade level. He is probably at around a 4th grade reading level and his writing is very hard to understand.

Anyway last week I chose Earl for a public speaking opportunity. Two of my usual picks were going to be out of class that day so I decided to go with Earl. He had never done anything like that before and he did not want to. He told me I had made a mistake and that he wouldn't be good at it. But I told him I really wanted him to and that I had chosen him because I knew he could totally do it. So he did it. He did a really good job. He was so determined and he practiced really hard and it really paid off. I was so proud of him on Friday and today I have never seen him work harder. He came to class on time he got right to work and he didn't talk to anyone. He was great. I think I made him see a different side to himself. I feel like this is why I wanted to teach.

mayor.

2006-11-02T11:17:00.000-06:00

Today we had something called "Principal For A Day" in which the mayor comes to visit the school. It has been a highly anticipated event all year, not by the students, of course, but by the administration. What takes place is that the Mayor comes to our school for a day. Well, not a whole day. Really it was like 2 and a half hours. He tours two classes with handpicked students, he eats a breakfast prepared by the culinary arts department and then he has a press conference about how great he is. Not exactly what our current principal does every day, but close.

I have never seen the kids so collectively pissed, and I know why. The whole situation was entirely faked. We have one of the worst schools in the city and we went around all day pretending like everything was great. There was such high security that the kids weren't allowed to go to the bathroom at all until the mayor left. They actually locked the bathrooms until he left the building. They also took all the metal detectors and x-ray machines out from the front of the building and moved it to the side entrance where they made all the kids enter from. I'm pretty sure they were trying to hide the fact that the school had metal detectors.

It's so frustrating that the administration decided the best way to act was to impress. What we should have done is say "Look! Look how terrifying this place is! Please give us more money and more teachers!" Instead they decided to say "Look! This place is great! Aren't we doing a wonderful job!" The kids saw right through it. I bet the mayor did too.

babies.

2006-11-01T19:09:00.000-06:00

Today during 2nd period I saw two security guards run down the hallway at full speed. I knew something big was going down. They ran upstairs and then a minute later a lady from the front office ran toward the clinic. "We need the nurse!" she screamed. I said "what happened!" and she ran past again. A few minutes later the I saw the nurse run at full speed past me. "What happened?" I yelled. "A girl on the second floor is having a baby!" She screamed as she ran up the stairs.

The school is full of babies. There are two nurseries, one for babies and one for toddlers. I think after three the kids start going to preschool. But they are all children of students. I knew a lot of kids had babies, but I am continually shocked at how many of the girls I know are mothers. Some really sweet girls getting A's in my class have two kids at 15.

The worst thing is how the boys clammer around girls that have just had a baby. The girls get so much affection and attention from boys. The boys always want them to sit on their laps and to give them massages. They hold them around the waste and ask them about their baby. When I was a teenager I was always told that if I got pregnant no one would want to come near me. The situation is totally different. Its a reward to have a baby. You get time off school, a lot of attention from your friends and new found male affection. The other thing that girls get when they get pregnant is a pass to the baby club. All of a sudden you are friends with all the other mothers. They pass around baby pictures like trading cards.

When it all dies down and the girl goes back to being normal she usually gets pregnant again hoping for more attention.

intro.

2006-10-31T18:11:00.000-06:00

I work at an inner city high school in a poor black neighborhood. The student population is 99% African American, 40% special ed, and has a 50% drop out rate. It was rated the worst school in the city three years ago and had to be shut down. It reopened into three smaller schools with new administrations and new programs, but with all the same problems.

I started out in September with no experience and no training. I was idealistic and excited, and I had no idea what I was in for.

Halloween.

2006-10-31T12:51:00.000-06:00

The kids let me know yesterday that no one was going to show up today. I still wasn't prepared for my class size to go from almost 40 kids in each class to an average of 5. A "ghost town" is what one of the clever students called it.

Most of the other teachers had nothing planned and I dropped my plans for the day and put in a movie. They didn't want to watch what I brought so one of the kids put in a movie called "Ghetto Fights 2"

"Ghetto Fights 2" is a compilation of amateur footage of street fights in the ghetto. Sometimes its two people that get into an argument and then start physically fighting. Sometimes its just a dude jumping another dude and then absolutely kicking the shit out of him. Most of the fights happened at night so most of the video is in nightvision. It is ghetto in all respects.

The kids love it. They cheered and clapped and hollered when there was a video of a dude stomping on another guys head. It was so brutal and so obviously real that I couldn't watch. It was kind of horrifying watching them love it so much. I know there are other videos like that where you can watch people get hurt and its funny, but this is some serious stuff. Here is a link to a clip, but I'm warning you, you will not be able to stop watching it.

The scariest thing about Ghetto Fights is that the kids here fight the same way. There was a fight between two girls a couple weeks ago where when one girl went down the other girl starting kicking her in the face. in the face! She had to go to the emergency room. The student body was in an uproar, they were so excited that had gone down. They couldn't concentrate all day and they kept pretending to kick each other in the face. It was like a nightmare.